His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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