i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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