6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
