I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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