I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
