operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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