Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
