i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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