she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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