i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i will never coherently bang her
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
This is my gift to your gina
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
