Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
These tits shall not be calmed
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
