If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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