Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
