A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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