My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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