Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
