Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
