You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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