I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
