How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
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So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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