you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude i'm inner monologue high
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
