I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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