I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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