Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
