Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
