She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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