I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
