hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
