I wish you could order shots online.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
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