My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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