i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
