i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
