i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
