I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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