Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
