you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
