i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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