we have pet lesbian snakes
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just found a bag of teeth...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
