Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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