I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
