Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
