Where did you get a picture of my penis
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
