got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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