my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
