I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize