Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
