Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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