think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It's never too late to be topless.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
