She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
