After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
