I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
