I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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