My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
