Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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