god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
