My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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