I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
