when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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