i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
